workplace Jokes

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Listed in date submitted order.

Bill Hicks - How's your Job?
I started out in this club (The Comedy Store, LA) ten years ago. I want you to know I started out when I was 15 years old and it's kinda weird doing comedy when you're 15 and going up in front of strangers, I dont know these people and it's... more

Eddie Izzard - I'm covered in bees!
Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They've gotta want to be. "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't want them to get away, I wanna keep em! They have too much freedom. I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they... more

Dane Cook - the Creepy Guy at Work
There's always been that one creepy weird person some where in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you're little then you grow-up. Even now, at your job there's a freak. There's a weird guy at your job that makes you concernicus... more

Brian Regan on Donut Ladies
My cholesterol is - I think it's five thousand, two hundred and eighteen - something like that. I don't eat well. I like buying donuts, I feel bad for the donut ladies because people can't make up their mind in these places. You'd think... more

Jack Dee on Builders
It's not always an advantage to be recognised when walking down the street. I recon I now know what's it's like to be a woman. Builders are the worse aren't they ladies? I don't know what it is about builders they can not keep their mouth... more

Sam Kinison the Disciples Calling in Sick
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus... more

Jack Dee on Winning the Lottery
I deserve to win and I'll tell you why cause I'm the only person who will admit I will let it change my life, Ohh yes and how? I'll ring everyone up I know and say I don't want to know you any more OK. Bye. See we haven't had any fun winners that's... more

Lewis Black on Living in New York City
I love New York City, the reason I live in New York City is it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the s*** that's going on in my head. It's really loud, they literally have guys come with Jack... more

Eddie Izzard the Death Star Canteen
But there must have been a Death Star canteen, a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill. I will have the Penne Alla Arrabiata. "You'll need a tray." Do you know who I am? "Do you know who I am?" This... more

Dane Cook on Drive-thrus
I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one f***ing road your on to... more

Bill Hicks on Bosses
Bosses! You know what I always use to get from my boss... "Hick's how come you're not working?" I'd go there's nothing to do and he'd go "Well you pretend like your working son!" and I'd go why don't you pretend I'm working... You get... more