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Dane Cook on Grand Theft Auto
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating... more

Bill Hicks on Girlfriends
My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the f***ing world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career...... more

Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep
If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And... more

Sam Kinison on Being JFK
My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. f***ed Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and f***ed Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him s*** about that, yeah like you... more

Frankie Boyle on Animal Extinctions
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling... more

Frankie Boyle on Scotland
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do c***tails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're... more

Bill Hicks on Advertising
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thought, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit. Causes sexual thought. Hmm. Sounds like every commercial on television,... more

Jackie Mason on Dating Fraud
I have a girlfriend. My girlfriend to me is the most wonderful, most remarkable person to me in the world. That's to me, but to my wife... An average guy makes a date with a girl, right away he has to spend 100, 200, 500, 900, I make a date... more

Jackie Mason on Ronald Reagan
I wanna thank god for this democracy, it's like Ronald Reagan said, and he said a brilliant thing... and don't think it's easy for Ronald Reagan to say a brilliant thing. Don't get nervous, I'm not going to make fun of the president... more

Eddie Izzard on Apple Mac Updates
I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and... in the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn. Well, it was...... more

Sarah Silverman on Birth Control
I take birth control pills, cause I do a lot of f***ing. No, I take it to regulate my menstrual cycle and cause I do a lot of f***ing. It's so hormoney you know like I want some other kind of birth control, some other kind of contraception... more

Russell Peters on Dating a Porn Star
I'm single, I was actually dating a porn star. Here's what happened, I was a big fan of porn so I ended up dating a porno chick. Don't do that. It is not what you think it's going to be like, I mean it is what you think it's going to be like when... more

Robin Williams on Viagra
They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra. Grandpa can have wood again. "I don't need the walker!" I see that! And your grandmothers going s***! "I thought the war was over! Get me a tetanus shot, if you're gonna stick... more

Bill Hicks the Blue Dot
What is this titillation? I just don't get it, maybe I'm just this jaded Goat boy... I'll tell you a story, I'm walking around the West End (of London) and there's a bus full of f***ing tourists from Idaho. Coming out of their bus, bumped... more

Russell Peters on Dumb Neighbours
I got dumb neighbours. You know the kind of stupid neighbour that says the same dumb thing to you every time he sees you but he thinks he's being real cleaver. But it's annoying too cause I'm outside shovelling the drive way. So the neighbour... more

Dave Chappelle on AIDS and Monkeys
I don't know where AIDS comes from. Who the f*** knows? Scientists don't even know. Scientists still say AIDS started cause somebody had sex with a monkey. Word. After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with.... more

Dave Chappelle on Political Affiliations
White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who they're voting for? Hey Bob, Bob, who you gonna vote for? "Dave, Dave whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Take it easy now. Take it easy.... more

Bill Hicks on Sex Phone Lines
I could never call one of those sex phone lines, that's amazing we've come to this point in our lives. To call sex phone lines. How embarrassing to call some strange woman, she's going "Ohh, you've got me sooooo hot. Your c*** is sooooo...... more

Billy Connolly on Womens Demands
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go f***ing hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy!... more

Roseanne Barr on Husbands
A lot of stuff bugs me about being married and a lot of stuff bugs me about husbands y'know. Like when they all the time wanna talk to ya. I hate that. He comes in and says "Roseanne. Don't you think we should talk about our sexual problems?"... more

Richard Pryor - Man Tries to Take Pussy
I meet some strange women, being in show business. I'm glad of that, but strange. You know, I met one lady, came to my hotel room. She was a weight lifter. She was beautiful, man. Came to my hotel room. Beautiful body. She talk all that... more

Sarah Silverman - Not Enough Jewish Pornstars
They say, you know, strippers, they end up being in porn. It's like a gateway job to porn. I don't know. What you gonna do? I'd never do it. And I could if I wanted to I've been approached. If I did it would be purely, you know, for political... more

Jack Dee on Builders
It's not always an advantage to be recognised when walking down the street. I recon I now know what's it's like to be a woman. Builders are the worse aren't they ladies? I don't know what it is about builders they can not keep their mouth... more

Bill Cosby - Mirrors Over the Bed
The people in this hotel are very nice, everybody here is. They gave me a suite here, big time suite, weird though... They got a mirror over my bed. No I swear there a big mirror over my bed! I was un-easy going to bed I had a feeling the pit... more

Stewart Lee the March of the Mallards
The BBC still make the best nature documentaries. But the most successful nature documentary of all time is actually the worst nature documentary of all time, and that is March of the Penguins. David Attenborough wouldn't make... more

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