religious Jokes

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George Carlin on Religion
In the bulls*** department, a business man can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Cause I gotta tell you thee truth folks, I gotta to tell you the truth, when it comes to bulls***. Big time, major league bulls***, you have to stand in awe... more

Stewart Lee on Marketing Catholicism
Most jokes about religion, as I say, aren't about doctrine and dogma, they're about things like marketing. Catholicism, for example. I love the way that Catholicism combines a search for a profound spiritual truth in the universe,... more

Eddie Izzard - I'm an Atheist
I used to be an agnostic and now I'm an atheist. I'm all for spirituality and I think there's a lot of religious people who've got a certain something. And I believe in us. I don't believe in God. I believe in us, human beings. But if God... more

Eddie Izzard on The Lords Prayer
You've got the lord's prayer, you can see that every Sunday, "We will now mumble the lord's prayer. Our father... charlie charlie, charlie charlie charlie". There's no joy, no life in there. The vicar should say improvise the lord's... more

Lewis Black on Religion
Was the earth created in seven days? No. For those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you, that you do not understand the Jewish people. We Jews understand that it did not take place in seven days, and that's because... more

Sarah Silverman - Jesus is Magic
I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because I'm Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just cute the way he gave it to me, you know. He said if it doesnt burn through my skin it will protect me. Who cares. Different religions,... more

Bill Cosby - Mirrors Over the Bed
The people in this hotel are very nice, everybody here is. They gave me a suite here, big time suite, weird though... They got a mirror over my bed. No I swear there a big mirror over my bed! I was un-easy going to bed I had a feeling the pit... more

Sam Kinison the Disciples Calling in Sick
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus... more

Sam Kinison on Jesus Coming Back
Jesus hasn't bother to come back yet that shouldn't discourage us huh? What's it been, 2000 years? Come on, let's stay optimistic, what do you say? No I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with that f***ing going away party we gave... more

Stewart Lee the March of the Mallards
The BBC still make the best nature documentaries. But the most successful nature documentary of all time is actually the worst nature documentary of all time, and that is March of the Penguins. David Attenborough wouldn't make... more

Woody Allen on Death and the Afterlife
The thing to remember is that each time of life has it's appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing... more

Dave Allen on Religious School
First question they ask, what do you know about God? I didn't know anything about God, Who? "God!" Who's God? "God, you do not know who God is? Sister! Sister! We have an Atheist here!" "Let me tell you little boy, God is, God was, and... more

Billy Connolly - Suicide Bombers
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a w***er short. f***ing idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". f***ing pricks! And it depends on what newspaper... more

Dave Allen - First Blessing
First time I learnt to bless myself was sadly when my uncle died. And he was being buried in a remote part of the Dublin mountains and it was a real funereal day, the wind was wiping down and rain and I'm only this big and I'm wandering around... more

Bill Hicks on Christianity and Dinosaurs
Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils... How does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped... more

Bill Cosby - Noah: Right!
I want to talk to you about a fella by the name of Noah, who built an ark. Now everybody knows, when you ask the question they say what did Noah do? Well he built an ark but very few people know about the actual conversation that went on between... more

Eddie Izzard on Stone Henge Labour Issues
Building a henge are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvellous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that. They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on... Help... more

Dave Allen - The Evils of Drink
An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. "Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!".... more