race Jokes

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Listed in date submitted order.

Denis Leary on New York
And I am sick and tired for New York City taking the blame for the crime problem. You know, whenever you read a fact chart, it always says Detroit leads the world in rape and murder and everything else, but New York takes the blame. "New... more

Sarah Silverman on Birth Control
I take birth control pills, cause I do a lot of f***ing. No, I take it to regulate my menstrual cycle and cause I do a lot of f***ing. It's so hormoney you know like I want some other kind of birth control, some other kind of contraception... more

Stewart Lee on Football Supporters
Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Loads of people complained about it and then on May 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in... more

Dave Chappelle on Celebrity Worship
I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, f*** that. If they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces. I don't wanna hear that s***. Yeah, man,... more

Dave Chappelle - Run! George Washington
One of the main stories from the war was. The first big thing we did was they said "Now that Iraq has been liberated... we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money." And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference... more

Dave Allen on Flying
When I fly I don't want to care about wide seats, short seats, reclining seats. How much booze they're going to give me, what food I'm getting, when I fly, three things I want to know: Will the plane take off. When it's up in the air, will... more

Dave Chappelle - I Want Some Grape Drink
I know what you drink. Grape juice. Surprise, motherf***ers you didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you? Don't play dumb with me. A lot of black people didn't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice. Because they have... more

Dave Chappelle on Political Affiliations
White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who they're voting for? Hey Bob, Bob, who you gonna vote for? "Dave, Dave whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Take it easy now. Take it easy.... more

Russell Peters - Indian Dad Speaking Jamaican
I felt bad for my dad cause he tried fitting in with my Jamaican friends when I was growing up. You don't want a man from India trying to speak like a Jamaican at any point during his life. My friends would be in the living room and my dad... more

Eddie Izzard on Building Empires
So we built up empires. We stole countries. That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. You sail round the world and stick a flag in them. I claim India for Britain! They're going "You cant claim... more

Lenny Bruce on The Irish
The thing is, you have a choice of a judge or a jury. You're a smuck, if you ever take the judge, because the thing is you're going to tell him a story to convince him. What kind of s*** are you going to tell the judge that he hasn't already... more

Woody Allen - Down South
I was down south once, and I was invited to a costume party, and I rarely go to them, I went to one when I was younger. I went in my underwear shorts, and I have varicose veins. I went as a roadmap. And I figure what the hell, it's Halloween,... more

Dave Chappelle on Weed
I've stopped smoking weed... with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherf***ers. God damn. I'm sorry, black people to break the news so publicly. But I can't smoke with you any more. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends.... more

Dave Chappelle - Police Intermediary
You'll be walking down the street, and you'll see a group of black dudes walking. Not just any old black dudes we're talking you know... 'thugs'. And in the group they've got maybe one, two some times as many as three white guys with... more

Lenny Bruce - Are there any niggers here tonight?
What did he say? "Are there any niggers here tonight?" Jesus Christ, do you have to get that low for laughs? Have I ever told you about the schwartzer? Or spoke about the moulin john's? Are there any niggers? I know that one nigger that... more

Stewart Lee on Americans
Americans live in a state of ignorant, prelapsarian bliss. Because of that, it can be very relaxing to go to America and watch them. If you go to America and look at Americans in their natural habitat: the theme park, the shopping mall,... more

George Carlin on the Ruling Class
I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together. Things that point out our similarities instead of our differences, cause thats all you ever hear about in this country is our differences. Thats all the media and the politicians... more

Stewart Lee on Race-based Errors
Scott says - in the guest book of Jimmy Hills website - I agree with Jimmys views that Britain is becoming no more a land which is populated by genuine British people born here. Please don't get me wrong, writes Scott. I am no Nazi or xenophobe,... more

Stewart Lee on Alien Abduction
The Russians were the first to put a living creature in space, the dog Laika, in space, end of the 50's. That dog went up there, orbited the earth twice and no preparations were made to return it safely and it shot down through the ozone... more

Bill Hicks on Non-smokers
The worst kind of non-smoker is the one where your smoking and they just walk up to you... Eeehhhhh eeehhhhh eeehhhhh. I always say s*** your lucky you don't smoke... That's a hell of a cough you got there. I smoke all day and don't cough... more