music Jokes

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Stewart Lee on Ironik
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November,... more

Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep
If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And... more

Lenny Bruce on Kids Sniffing Aeroplane Glue
There were kids eight or nine years old sniffing aeroplane glue, to get high on. These kids are responsible for turning musicians onto a lot of things they never knew about actually. So, I had a fantasy, how it happened. Kid is alone... more

Dane Cook on Car Alarms
I love it when it's late at night, and you're in bed, and you're nice and cosy and you're watching your favorite shows, for me Justice Files. That's my favorite show. People say "Dane why do you love the show?" It's simple it's because... more

Stewart Lee on Football Supporters
Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Loads of people complained about it and then on May 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in... more

Brian Regan on Kids Party Games
When you grow older you start having your birthday party games - pin the tail on the donkey - there's a good safe game for kids. What are adults thinking? Hey hey we're having a whole bunch of kids over, big party, we're gonna blind fold... more

Ellen DeGeneres on Judging a Situation
You ever judge a situation and you're totally wrong you find out later? For instance I was in the grocery store. Last Tuesday. It was a couple of weeks ago. A few months ago. About a year ago but it happened, Okay? I was in the grocery store... more

Denis Leary - No MTV, CTV
Do you know what I don't want on MTV? I'll tell you what... Aerosmith, Vanilla Ice and Cher. No Crosby, no Stills and no Nash. No bald guys, no fat guys, no fat-bald guys that look like history professors OK? REM? No. Marky Mark? No. P.M.... more

Woody Allen the Vodka Ad
Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing. A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noel Coward originally for it. He was not available, he had acquired the rights... more

Bill Hicks on Beaches
I don't like the summertime cause everyone goes to the beach, I don't understand the beach. Lets go to the beach, Oh, I love the summertime, it's so warm finally, lets go to the beach, oooooh... What's the f***ing deal with the beach?... more