food Jokes

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Listed in date submitted order.

Brian Regan on Refrigerators
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like nine hundred of them lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about... more

Frankie Boyle on Scotland
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do c***tails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're... more

Dave Allen on Fathers and Daughters
There's an interesting thing between parents. Fathers and daughters and mothers and sons. The girl will bring the boy home for you to meet and because you've talked in liberal terms all your life you have to kind of follow this through.... more

Russell Peters on Terrorist verses Indian
Last summer I had the renew my passport. In Canada on your new passport photo you're not allowed to smile, that's the rule. This is their way of fighting terrorism. This is how their going to catch the terrorist, you can't smile. That's... more

Dave Allen on Flying
When I fly I don't want to care about wide seats, short seats, reclining seats. How much booze they're going to give me, what food I'm getting, when I fly, three things I want to know: Will the plane take off. When it's up in the air, will... more

Brian Regan on Donut Ladies
My cholesterol is - I think it's five thousand, two hundred and eighteen - something like that. I don't eat well. I like buying donuts, I feel bad for the donut ladies because people can't make up their mind in these places. You'd think... more

Brian Regan on Fig Newtons
I don't know what to eat. My doctor told me to read food labels. So I was in the store the other day I was trying to read the Fig Newtons label, I've always liked them and I was trying to see if it was OK to eat em. Everything looked pretty good,... more

Ellen DeGeneres on Judging a Situation
You ever judge a situation and you're totally wrong you find out later? For instance I was in the grocery store. Last Tuesday. It was a couple of weeks ago. A few months ago. About a year ago but it happened, Okay? I was in the grocery store... more

Woody Allen - Eggs Benedict
I had once a pain in the chestal area. Now, I was sure it was heartburn, y'know, cause at that time I was married and my wife cooking with her Nazi recipes, y'know, chicken Himmler. I didn't wanna pay 25 bucks to have it reaffirmed by some... more

Sam Kinison on World Hunger
I'm just trying to help, do what ever I can for people. Like the world hunger thing, the USA for Africa. isn't that great did you guy's hear the song? Nice song isn't it. Beautiful. I'm like anybody else on the planet I'm very moved by... more

George Carlin on Abortion
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place? Boy these conservatives are really something aren't they? they're all in favour of the unborn. They... more

Dave Allen on Giving Up Smoking
I have given it up. I'm a heavy smoker. I use to even smoke in between smokes. I've given it up. Totally changed. The most extraordinary thing about giving up smoking, to non-smokers I'm a convert. I've come over. I've joined them.... more

Dave Allen on Irish Wakes
A very important part of the Irish way of life is death. See if anybody else anywhere else in the world dies that's the end of it they're dead but in Ireland when somebody dies we lay them out and watch them for a couple of days. It's called... more

Roseanne Barr - Call for Chocolate Jihad
I was reading in Time magazine where it said that beef farming is destroying a thousand aches of rain forest every single day. Just like you at first I didn't really care I thought well, Monkeys and Parrots and Slugs they ain't even... more

Roseanne Barr the Diet Industry
I hate the entire diet industry. It's a bazillion dollar a year scam that uses fat people as lab rats and Guinea Pigs in cahoots with big drug companies that know that fat people will take anything if you tell them it's going to make them... more

Robin Williams on Diagnosing Cocaine Problems
Here's are some little tell tale sign that you have a Cocaine problem, first of all if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cats going I'm out of here prick! ...Warning. Number two, if you have this dream where... more

George Carlin on Last Requests
The story is that if you're condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice but what is all that about anyway? I mean a group of people plans to kill you so they want you to eat something you'd like, is it a joke? Do they... more

Eddie Izzard the Death Star Canteen
But there must have been a Death Star canteen, a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill. I will have the Penne Alla Arrabiata. "You'll need a tray." Do you know who I am? "Do you know who I am?" This... more

Dane Cook on Drive-thrus
I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one f***ing road your on to... more

Brian Regan on Chef Boyardee
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti... more

Bill Hicks on Childbirth
They say childbirth is hard on a woman. I think it's harder on the kid. You just don't get to hear their side till they're thirteen... Then they're just p***ed, they forgot why. Think about childbirth your first nine months alive,... more