flying Jokes

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Listed in date submitted order.

Russell Peters - I'm Indian
All my life I've been identifying myself as an Indian man. I'm always like, I'm Indian. What are you? I'm Indian. Where you from? I'm Indian. What do you mean, where am I from? I'm Indian. And then I realised something. I was born and... more

Dave Allen on Flying
When I fly I don't want to care about wide seats, short seats, reclining seats. How much booze they're going to give me, what food I'm getting, when I fly, three things I want to know: Will the plane take off. When it's up in the air, will... more

Brian Regan on Flying
How come the first class people they can just get on when ever they want? I've always hated that. "First class people board at your leisure, take your time first class people. Coach class people no sit scuz, no wait little piggies."... more

Woody Allen the Vodka Ad
Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing. A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noel Coward originally for it. He was not available, he had acquired the rights... more

Billy Connolly - Suicide Bombers
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a w***er short. f***ing idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". f***ing pricks! And it depends on what newspaper... more

Ellen DeGeneres on Fakin' It
Golden Eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they... more

Jackie Mason on Jewish Athletes
Jew's want to think they're athletes maybe in this country there are Jewish athletes but in the United States there's no Jewish athletes. They never get involved in athletic activities. That's why when they check into the hotel... more

Dane Cook on Killer Bees
There's certain ways when people they bit it and they show it on the news, you laugh. Like who gets killed by Bees? every time they come on the news, "Ahhhh a man was in Austin, killed by Bees". I just f***ing laugh! How do you get killed... more

Billy Connolly on Little Aeroplanes
I don't like those little Buddy Holly aeroplanes. I like the aeroplanes that go Bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrr they got toilets and cups of tea... "Another biscuit Mr Connolly?" That's flying! I don't like Ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... more