english Jokes

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Stewart Lee on Why My Grandad Hates The Japanese
For my granddad, I think crisps became a symbol of freedom, of liberty, and, um... When he got out of that Japanese prisoner-of-war camp, the first thing he did, he went on an insane crisps bender. And in one day, he had 4 bags of crisps.... more

Frankie Boyle on English Royalty
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables... more

Frankie Boyle on Scotland
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do c***tails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're... more

Stewart Lee - Princess Diana
There's this kind of assumption from us here in Europe, particularly in Britain, where we look at Americas hysterical reaction to the 9th of November and we think, That wouldn't happen here because we're reasonable, sensible people... more

Bill Hicks the Blue Dot
What is this titillation? I just don't get it, maybe I'm just this jaded Goat boy... I'll tell you a story, I'm walking around the West End (of London) and there's a bus full of f***ing tourists from Idaho. Coming out of their bus, bumped... more

Stewart Lee on Football Supporters
Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Loads of people complained about it and then on May 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in... more

Bill Hicks on Snooker
You ever sit around and see what's coming up on the news? Unbelievably depressing. This half hour, war, death, famine, AIDS, homeless, recession, depression, drought, flood, earthquake, riot and snooker highlights. Thank god... more

Jack Dee on Soldiers Suing The Army
I hate the culture of suing don't you? You've got soldiers that are coming back from the war they're suing the army for christ sake cause they got shot at. What the bloody hell do you expect? At least sue the other army. The Americans.... more

Stewart Lee - Worcester Travelodge
I was in Worcester a couple of months ago. I got caught overnight. I had to stay there against my will. I went into the Travelodge, the Worcester Travelodge. I said, Have you got any rooms available here tonight in the Worcester Travelodge?... more

Eddie Izzard on Building Empires
So we built up empires. We stole countries. That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. You sail round the world and stick a flag in them. I claim India for Britain! They're going "You cant claim... more

Billy Connolly on Limited Vocabulary
I've sworn all my life. I'd swear all the time and I think it's rather good language. People say it's limited vocabulary that makes you swear well I don't think so. Cause my vocabulary I know at least ohh one hundred and twenty seven... more

Stewart Lee on Woolworths Closing
You should have known when Woolworths and MFI and Zavvi all went down in the same week. If you're of a certain age, you probably have nostalgic memories of Woolworths. It probably means a lot to you. You used to go into Woolworths on... more

Stewart Lee on William Wallace
Firstly, William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, he wasn't some noble savage living in a mud hut. He was a privileged, educated Nobleman, right? Secondly, its not mentioned in the film, but there's some evidence to suggest... more

Stewart Lee on Why Farts are Funny
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at... more

Stewart Lee on Race-based Errors
Scott says - in the guest book of Jimmy Hills website - I agree with Jimmys views that Britain is becoming no more a land which is populated by genuine British people born here. Please don't get me wrong, writes Scott. I am no Nazi or xenophobe,... more