drugs Jokes

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Listed in date submitted order.

Bill Hicks - How's your Job?
I started out in this club (The Comedy Store, LA) ten years ago. I want you to know I started out when I was 15 years old and it's kinda weird doing comedy when you're 15 and going up in front of strangers, I dont know these people and it's... more

Lenny Bruce on Kids Sniffing Aeroplane Glue
There were kids eight or nine years old sniffing aeroplane glue, to get high on. These kids are responsible for turning musicians onto a lot of things they never knew about actually. So, I had a fantasy, how it happened. Kid is alone... more

Denis Leary - NyQuil and Sudafed
I don't do illegal drugs any more; now I just do the legal drugs; tonight: I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroine. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed I'm telling you right now, I... more

Robin Williams on Viagra
They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra. Grandpa can have wood again. "I don't need the walker!" I see that! And your grandmothers going s***! "I thought the war was over! Get me a tetanus shot, if you're gonna stick... more

Robin Williams on Heart Surgery
First thing to come back online, Your heart... Great. And then your brain. Last thing... Asshole. The drugs make you so constipated, I thought they were gonna have to bring in a priest to do a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, fall from... more

Dave Chappelle on Weed
I've stopped smoking weed... with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherf***ers. God damn. I'm sorry, black people to break the news so publicly. But I can't smoke with you any more. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends.... more

Roseanne Barr - Mommies Stash
I remember when my older kid found mommies stash. I said "Mommy is involved in experimentations... with a natural substance... that comes off a plant, called THC". And my daughter said, "Yeah, you're giving us all this 'Just say... more

Sarah Silverman on Anti Drug Slogans
I graduated from High School and they got the big drug slogan, 'Just say no', Nancy Reagan wrote it, a brilliant mind of our time. It doesn't work, I think it's really lame. If we're going to have a big anti drug slogan I think it should... more

Robin Williams on Diagnosing Cocaine Problems
Here's are some little tell tale sign that you have a Cocaine problem, first of all if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cats going I'm out of here prick! ...Warning. Number two, if you have this dream where... more

Dave Chappelle on The Police
I'd be scared to talk to the police when I'm sleepy, you'd f*** around and give the wrong idea. Thump! "That nigga was on PCP Johnson! I had to use necessary force! You saw him. No, no paper work... Just sprinkle some crack on him and lets... more

Bill Hicks the War on Drugs
George Bush [Snr] says we are losing the war on drugs... Well you know what that imply's... There's a war on drugs and people on drugs are winning it. Well what does that tell you about drugs? Some smart creative mutha f***er's on that... more