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death Jokes
Listed in date submitted order.
George Carlin on Religion
In the bulls*** department, a business man can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Cause I gotta tell you thee truth folks, I gotta to tell you the truth, when it comes to bulls***. Big time, major league bulls***, you have to stand in awe... more
Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 1
I just recently had to go to the emergency room. I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It's weird I mean considering calling an ambulance for yourself. Y'know. You call an ambulance for other people right?... more
Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 2
Nurse finally comes in "How are you doing tonight?" "I'm on a gurney. Do you have a pain killer or something? This is killing me." So she goes "How would you describe your pain?" "It's killing me. I don't know if you remember that part.... more
Frankie Boyle on Animal Extinctions
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling... more
Dane Cook on Suicide Notes
If you ever choose to take your own life, that's how you should put it in the suicide note, that's elegant right there. Don't say I wanted to kill myself, say: 'I have chosen to assassinate myself. For we the people.' You friends will... more
Stewart Lee on Marketing Catholicism
Most jokes about religion, as I say, aren't about doctrine and dogma, they're about things like marketing. Catholicism, for example. I love the way that Catholicism combines a search for a profound spiritual truth in the universe,... more
Denis Leary - NyQuil and Sudafed
I don't do illegal drugs any more; now I just do the legal drugs; tonight: I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroine. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed I'm telling you right now, I... more
Stewart Lee - Princess Diana
There's this kind of assumption from us here in Europe, particularly in Britain, where we look at Americas hysterical reaction to the 9th of November and we think, That wouldn't happen here because we're reasonable, sensible people... more
Stewart Lee on Football Supporters
Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Loads of people complained about it and then on May 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in... more
Dave Chappelle on Celebrity Worship
I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, f*** that. If they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces. I don't wanna hear that s***. Yeah, man,... more
George Carlin on Digital Purgatory
They have an application in the computer called Outlook or Contacts or Address Book or something like that. So they keep all the information in the computer, and they sync it up with their phone every day or every other day. So now instead... more
George Carlin on Well-Wishers After a Bereavement
Here's another thing they say after a death. This is usually said to the surviving spouse. "Listen, if there's anything I can do, anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask". What are you going to do, a resurrection? This aint the... more
Bill Hicks on Snooker
You ever sit around and see what's coming up on the news? Unbelievably depressing. This half hour, war, death, famine, AIDS, homeless, recession, depression, drought, flood, earthquake, riot and snooker highlights. Thank god... more
Dave Chappelle on Weed
I've stopped smoking weed... with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherf***ers. God damn. I'm sorry, black people to break the news so publicly. But I can't smoke with you any more. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends.... more
Dave Allen on Irish Wakes
A very important part of the Irish way of life is death. See if anybody else anywhere else in the world dies that's the end of it they're dead but in Ireland when somebody dies we lay them out and watch them for a couple of days. It's called... more
Bill Hicks - Goober Dads
I look just like my dad. That scares me to death. Afraid I'm going to wake up one day and start acting like my dad and I know he was a kid at one point. At what point did he become a goober? That's what I want to know. Shoot me the day before that... more
Woody Allen on Death and the Afterlife
The thing to remember is that each time of life has it's appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing... more
Stewart Lee on William Wallace
Firstly, William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, he wasn't some noble savage living in a mud hut. He was a privileged, educated Nobleman, right? Secondly, its not mentioned in the film, but there's some evidence to suggest... more
Eddie Izzard - Death or Plumbing?
The Daleks were my first monsters and they were very very scary and all kids knew as soon as they came on the tele you had to hide behind the furniture. We never actually watched the Daleks we just listened to Radio 4 version of the Daleks.... more
George Carlin on Last Requests
The story is that if you're condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice but what is all that about anyway? I mean a group of people plans to kill you so they want you to eat something you'd like, is it a joke? Do they... more
Dave Allen - First Blessing
First time I learnt to bless myself was sadly when my uncle died. And he was being buried in a remote part of the Dublin mountains and it was a real funereal day, the wind was wiping down and rain and I'm only this big and I'm wandering around... more
Eddie Izzard the Death Star Canteen
But there must have been a Death Star canteen, a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill. I will have the Penne Alla Arrabiata. "You'll need a tray." Do you know who I am? "Do you know who I am?" This... more
Bill Hicks on the LA Riots
LA is the home of the pedestrian right of way law. What this law is, is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road, anywhere or any time on the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road. Yes, 'cos only in LA does common... more
Stewart Lee discusses Dan Brown's Writing
The world of publishing is in crisis. It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not... more
Denis Leary on Dieing
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks, then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission.... more
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