children Jokes

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Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep
If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And... more

Dave Chappelle on Sesame Street
I turned on Sesame Street. And I was, like: "Oh, good. Sesame Street. This is much better cause now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It... more

Lenny Bruce on Kids Sniffing Aeroplane Glue
There were kids eight or nine years old sniffing aeroplane glue, to get high on. These kids are responsible for turning musicians onto a lot of things they never knew about actually. So, I had a fantasy, how it happened. Kid is alone... more

Brian Regan - Spelling Bee
I'd be a lot better off if I was to study more growing up. But you know where it all went wrong is the day that they started the spelling bee. Cause up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, y'know. And the spelling bee day popped... more

Eddie Izzard on Apple Mac Updates
I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and... in the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn. Well, it was...... more

Dave Allen on Fathers and Daughters
There's an interesting thing between parents. Fathers and daughters and mothers and sons. The girl will bring the boy home for you to meet and because you've talked in liberal terms all your life you have to kind of follow this through.... more

Dane Cook on Kids Names
I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have... more

Dane Cook on Monopoly
We had Monopoly, everybody did. No one liked it. Even if you think you liked the game you didn't. And it's simple why, two and a half hours into a game this is all you'd hear... [boom] f*** this game! It's four in the morning grandma, you... more

Dave Chappelle - Taken to the Ghetto
I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto like: I'm gonna see some wild s***, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy.... more

Brian Regan on Kids Party Games
When you grow older you start having your birthday party games - pin the tail on the donkey - there's a good safe game for kids. What are adults thinking? Hey hey we're having a whole bunch of kids over, big party, we're gonna blind fold... more

Bill Hicks on Gays in the Military
You never see my attitude in the press. That's what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance - gays in the military. Now, I don't know how y'all feel about it. Gays want to be in the military. Here's how I feel about it, alright?... more

Russell Peters - Somebody Gonna Get-a-Hurt Real Bad
When I was growing up right. I grew up around a lot of black people. Which was fine cause the black people never picked on me. White kids? Not so friendly back then. But every now and then a white kind would come and hang out with us and we... more

Lewis Black on Religion
Was the earth created in seven days? No. For those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you, that you do not understand the Jewish people. We Jews understand that it did not take place in seven days, and that's because... more

Bill Cosby - All Children have Brain Damage
My wife and I have five children and the reason we have five children is we do not want six. And those we have we want to get out of the house, before we die. Just to get them out. Because all children have brain damage. Now those of you who... more

Jack Dee on Farts
You know I always assumed there would be a point when I would stop laughing at farts. It hasn't happened. I'm 35 years old and I haven't grow out of it. I was at a funeral 4 months ago and there was a quiet moment during the service for reflection... more

Roseanne Barr - Mommies Stash
I remember when my older kid found mommies stash. I said "Mommy is involved in experimentations... with a natural substance... that comes off a plant, called THC". And my daughter said, "Yeah, you're giving us all this 'Just say... more

Bill Hicks on Heathers Two Mommies
Have you heard about this? These new grade school books for children. To help explain to them the gay lifestyle. You know what I'm talking about? One of them is called Heathers two mommies, the other one, daddies... new... room-mate.... more

Woody Allen the Group Analysis Reunion
Last year the group broke up. I get in the mail an engraved invitation. Class reunion. The old group analysis group, all the neurotics came back, all the nail bitters and bedwetters. It was a catered affair. It was a fabulous thing... more

Russell Peters - Start Beating Your Kids
I think one thing that separates immigrant families from the regular Canadian families you know. Does not matter where your parents are from, they weren't born in this country they will whoop your ass when you are growing up. It does... more

Dave Chappelle on Pepe Le Pew
They use the TV to program us from a young age. You ever watch a cartoon you use to watch when you were little as an adult? Some wild s***! I was with my nephew we're sitting there watching Pepe Le Pew and I say to my nephew "Now pay attention... more

Billy Connolly on Scottish Bunk Beds
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air... more

Bill Cosby - Children Are Truthful
People don't understand children, especially people who have no children. A person with no children say "Well I just love children". You say "Why?" And they say "Cause the child is so truthful. Children are truthful, that's what... more