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car Jokes
Listed in date submitted order.
Dane Cook on Grand Theft Auto
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating... more
Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 1
I just recently had to go to the emergency room. I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It's weird I mean considering calling an ambulance for yourself. Y'know. You call an ambulance for other people right?... more
Bill Hicks - How's your Job?
I started out in this club (The Comedy Store, LA) ten years ago. I want you to know I started out when I was 15 years old and it's kinda weird doing comedy when you're 15 and going up in front of strangers, I dont know these people and it's... more
Bill Hicks on Girlfriends
My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the f***ing world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career...... more
Dave Chappelle on Sesame Street
I turned on Sesame Street. And I was, like: "Oh, good. Sesame Street. This is much better cause now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It... more
Eddie Izzard on Dyslexia
One thing was huge before language and that was Scrabble. Cause Scrabble, after language, it became about words. Before language, it was just, Put the letters down. There were no rules. Everyone was a winner. K, T... FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG.... more
Dane Cook - the Creepy Guy at Work
There's always been that one creepy weird person some where in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you're little then you grow-up. Even now, at your job there's a freak. There's a weird guy at your job that makes you concernicus... more
Eddie Izzard on Wikipedia
Wikipedia has pages on everything. There's almost nothing... Well, there was one thing I looked up and I couldn't find, but I cant remember what it is, so it probably doesn't matter. Everything is in Wikipedia. Run by Mr and Mrs Wikipedia,... more
Jackie Mason on Dating Fraud
I have a girlfriend. My girlfriend to me is the most wonderful, most remarkable person to me in the world. That's to me, but to my wife... An average guy makes a date with a girl, right away he has to spend 100, 200, 500, 900, I make a date... more
Jackie Mason on Ronald Reagan
I wanna thank god for this democracy, it's like Ronald Reagan said, and he said a brilliant thing... and don't think it's easy for Ronald Reagan to say a brilliant thing. Don't get nervous, I'm not going to make fun of the president... more
Eddie Izzard on Apple Mac Updates
I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and... in the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn. Well, it was...... more
Dane Cook on Kids Names
I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have... more
Stewart Lee - Princess Diana
There's this kind of assumption from us here in Europe, particularly in Britain, where we look at Americas hysterical reaction to the 9th of November and we think, That wouldn't happen here because we're reasonable, sensible people... more
Dane Cook on Car Alarms
I love it when it's late at night, and you're in bed, and you're nice and cosy and you're watching your favorite shows, for me Justice Files. That's my favorite show. People say "Dane why do you love the show?" It's simple it's because... more
Dave Chappelle - Taken to the Ghetto
I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto like: I'm gonna see some wild s***, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy.... more
Stewart Lee on Football Supporters
Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Loads of people complained about it and then on May 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in... more
George Carlin on Education
Its the new national pastime. f*** baseball. Its consumption. The only true lasting American value thats left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they dont have on things they don't need. Money they dont have... more
Dave Chappelle on Celebrity Worship
I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, f*** that. If they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces. I don't wanna hear that s***. Yeah, man,... more
Dave Chappelle - Run! George Washington
One of the main stories from the war was. The first big thing we did was they said "Now that Iraq has been liberated... we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money." And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference... more
George Carlin on Getting Old
The best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things any more, even important things. "But it was your daughters funeral." I forgot. You can even make believe you have Alzheimers disease. Ah, its a lot... more
Dave Allen on Banks
Tell you what my pet hate in life is... Banks. I really do. I loathe banks as they stand now. When I was a young man you'd never borrow money. You might borrow a few quid from a few friends go and have a drink or go to the cinema or something... more
Dave Allen on Flying
When I fly I don't want to care about wide seats, short seats, reclining seats. How much booze they're going to give me, what food I'm getting, when I fly, three things I want to know: Will the plane take off. When it's up in the air, will... more
Bill Hicks on Gays in the Military
You never see my attitude in the press. That's what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance - gays in the military. Now, I don't know how y'all feel about it. Gays want to be in the military. Here's how I feel about it, alright?... more
Dave Chappelle on OJ Simpson
This is not the time to be a black star. They're locking all our stars up. Black celebrities. Its a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. Its all OJ's fault. Ever since OJ got away, white people just been locking up our stars, one by one.... more
Dave Chappelle - I Want Some Grape Drink
I know what you drink. Grape juice. Surprise, motherf***ers you didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you? Don't play dumb with me. A lot of black people didn't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice. Because they have... more
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