animals Jokes

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Bill Hicks on Girlfriends
My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the f***ing world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career...... more

Eddie Izzard - I'm covered in bees!
Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They've gotta want to be. "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't want them to get away, I wanna keep em! They have too much freedom. I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they... more

Frankie Boyle on Television Being Faked
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary... more

Frankie Boyle on Animal Extinctions
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling... more

Denis Leary on New York
And I am sick and tired for New York City taking the blame for the crime problem. You know, whenever you read a fact chart, it always says Detroit leads the world in rape and murder and everything else, but New York takes the blame. "New... more

Dave Chappelle on AIDS and Monkeys
I don't know where AIDS comes from. Who the f*** knows? Scientists don't even know. Scientists still say AIDS started cause somebody had sex with a monkey. Word. After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with.... more

Ellen DeGeneres on Judging a Situation
You ever judge a situation and you're totally wrong you find out later? For instance I was in the grocery store. Last Tuesday. It was a couple of weeks ago. A few months ago. About a year ago but it happened, Okay? I was in the grocery store... more

Jack Dee the Dogs' Teddy
I've got this dog that's 10 months old. Very sweet dog, lovely little puppy thing. You know what he likes to do? He likes to f*** teddies. That's endearing isn't it? Isn't that sweet? Ohh yes he likes to f*** a teddy from time to time.... more

Stewart Lee the March of the Mallards
The BBC still make the best nature documentaries. But the most successful nature documentary of all time is actually the worst nature documentary of all time, and that is March of the Penguins. David Attenborough wouldn't make... more

Ellen DeGeneres on Fakin' It
Golden Eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they... more

Bill Cosby - Noah: Right!
I want to talk to you about a fella by the name of Noah, who built an ark. Now everybody knows, when you ask the question they say what did Noah do? Well he built an ark but very few people know about the actual conversation that went on between... more

Stewart Lee on Alien Abduction
The Russians were the first to put a living creature in space, the dog Laika, in space, end of the 50's. That dog went up there, orbited the earth twice and no preparations were made to return it safely and it shot down through the ozone... more

Dane Cook on Killer Bees
There's certain ways when people they bit it and they show it on the news, you laugh. Like who gets killed by Bees? every time they come on the news, "Ahhhh a man was in Austin, killed by Bees". I just f***ing laugh! How do you get killed... more