american Jokes

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Bill Hicks on Girlfriends
My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the f***ing world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career...... more

Stewart Lee on the BP Oil Crisis
People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all... more

Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep
If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And... more

Frankie Boyle on English Royalty
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables... more

Sam Kinison on Being JFK
My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. f***ed Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and f***ed Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him s*** about that, yeah like you... more

Frankie Boyle on NY Freedom Tower
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should... more

Dane Cook - the Creepy Guy at Work
There's always been that one creepy weird person some where in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you're little then you grow-up. Even now, at your job there's a freak. There's a weird guy at your job that makes you concernicus... more

Russell Peters on Terrorist verses Indian
Last summer I had the renew my passport. In Canada on your new passport photo you're not allowed to smile, that's the rule. This is their way of fighting terrorism. This is how their going to catch the terrorist, you can't smile. That's... more

Bill Hicks the JFK Assassination
I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. y'know you can go down there to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the 6th floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called:... more

George Carlin the All-Suicide Channel
Suicide is an interesting topic to me because it is an inherently interesting decision. To decide voluntarily not to exist any more. Its profound. You know what it is? Its the ultimate makeover. That's why I think it belongs on television.... more

George Carlin on Education
Its the new national pastime. f*** baseball. Its consumption. The only true lasting American value thats left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they dont have on things they don't need. Money they dont have... more

Dave Chappelle - Run! George Washington
One of the main stories from the war was. The first big thing we did was they said "Now that Iraq has been liberated... we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money." And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference... more

Bill Hicks on Gays in the Military
You never see my attitude in the press. That's what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance - gays in the military. Now, I don't know how y'all feel about it. Gays want to be in the military. Here's how I feel about it, alright?... more

Jack Dee on Soldiers Suing The Army
I hate the culture of suing don't you? You've got soldiers that are coming back from the war they're suing the army for christ sake cause they got shot at. What the bloody hell do you expect? At least sue the other army. The Americans.... more

Billy Connolly on Womens Demands
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go f***ing hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy!... more

Woody Allen - Down South
I was down south once, and I was invited to a costume party, and I rarely go to them, I went to one when I was younger. I went in my underwear shorts, and I have varicose veins. I went as a roadmap. And I figure what the hell, it's Halloween,... more

Sam Kinison on World Hunger
I'm just trying to help, do what ever I can for people. Like the world hunger thing, the USA for Africa. isn't that great did you guy's hear the song? Nice song isn't it. Beautiful. I'm like anybody else on the planet I'm very moved by... more

Brian Regan on Military Inventions
Inventions intrigue me, I was reading about the Walkie Talkie and I read it was a military inventions, that surprised me, usually military stuff has strong names you know Apache Helicopter, Tomahawk missile. ...Walkie Talkie?... more

Bill Cosby on VW Beetles
Here comes a guy in a VW. Now it's bad enough that I have an eighteen thousand dollar car that will not go. But here comes a guy with a fourteen hundred dollar special super charged-up, radio, heater, white walled tires and blue book.... more

Stewart Lee on Americans
Americans live in a state of ignorant, prelapsarian bliss. Because of that, it can be very relaxing to go to America and watch them. If you go to America and look at Americans in their natural habitat: the theme park, the shopping mall,... more

Stewart Lee the March of the Mallards
The BBC still make the best nature documentaries. But the most successful nature documentary of all time is actually the worst nature documentary of all time, and that is March of the Penguins. David Attenborough wouldn't make... more

Robin Williams on Alcohol
I had to stop drinking alcohol cause I use to wake up nude in my car with my keys in my ass! Not a good thing. "Hi, can I help you? No it's just flooded! I'll be OK!" Don't you see? You're sucked into thinking that beer is a healthy thing. Cause... more

Denis Leary on Coffee Flavored Coffee
Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee in this country any more? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a f***ing meeting with the coffee, huh? You can get every other flavour except coffee-flavoured coffee! They... more

Bill Hicks on Ronald Reagan
John Kennedy, murdered. Gandhi, murdered. Martin Luther King, murdered. Jesus, murdered. Reagan... wounded. Cancer eight times, no that f***er still walks doesn't he? That guy is Jason man. If you could take of that hockey mask... more

Robin Williams discusses Ronald Reagan
And at the top of the heap, there's Ronald Reagan with that look in his eyes like they're going to put swinging doors in congress. He's going to come through like... I'm back and I'm p***ed off! Don't you see he's got that look... Here's... more

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