Home / Stewart Lee / Why My Grandad Hates The Japanese
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For my granddad, I think crisps became a symbol of freedom, of liberty, and, um... When he got out of that Japanese prisoner-of-war camp, the first thing he did, he went on an insane crisps bender. And in one day, he had 4 bags of crisps. Er, a cheese and onion bag, 2 plain bags... And a fourth one he's not able to remember... What it was. He loves crisps, as I say, he absolutely loves crisps. He hates the Japanese, though. Because of the war, yeah, what they did. He hates the Japanese. He won't have anything Japanese in the house. If you were to come back from a Japanese holiday and you were to offer him a traditional Japanese holiday souvenir, like... You know a Samurai sword, or a whaling harpoon, or some violent pornography... Or, er... a young girl's pants in a bag. Well, he wouldn't have it in the house. He won't have anything to do with anything Japanese, even if the Japanese thing could help him, right? I'll give you an example of what I mean. About 2 years ago, my granddad's house was attacked out of the blue by a moth with a 400ft wingspan. And a lobster, a giant lobster, as big as a cathedral, came up out of the sea. And the moth was shooting, like, a blue ray at, er... Out of its eyes - vsshhh! At the house. And the lobster was whacking all rocks at it and stuff. You know, it was awful. And, um... And anyway, after about an hour, the phone rang, and my granddad fought his way through all the fire and he answered it and there was a scientist on the phone, and the scientist said, "I hope you don't mind me calling you out of the blue, but I've been watching the News 24s and I couldn't help noticing that your house is being systematically destroyed by a moth with a 400ft wingspan and a lobster the size of a cathedral." And my granddad said, "That's right, it's dreadful." And the scientist said, "I hope it doesn't seem presumptuous, but I know where there's... it's like a dinosaur lizard thing. And it's trapped under the Earth's crust, it's under the sea in some ice or lava or something." He says, "It's got... It can breathe electricity and, um... It's got... inexplicably, it has a human moral code." And he... He said, um... "I reckon if I shot a nuclear missile at it, I could free it and send it over to where you are and it would probably fight that moth and lobster and chase them off." And my granddad said, "That sounds exactly the sort of thing I need. And the scientist said, "Well, I'll send it over then." And my granddad said, "Thanks very much." Then he said to him, the scientist, he said... Um... "There is one thing, though, scientist, this dinosaur lizard thing, it's not Japanese, is it?" And he said, "Yes, it is. Is there...?" And he hung up on him. Well, his house was wrecked.
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Stewart Lee, 2010
Suggested by DaveT
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