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All my life I've been identifying myself as an Indian man. I'm always like, I'm Indian. What are you? I'm Indian. Where you from? I'm Indian. What do you mean, where am I from? I'm Indian. And then I realised something. I was born and raised in Canada. There's nothing Indian about me! The only thing Indian about me are my parents and my skin tone. That's it! Culturally, I'm not Indian at all. And the only reason I know this is because last year I went to India to do some shows. And I thought I was Indian. And when we were flying over to India, I got this overwhelming Indian feeling. Inside of me I was like, I'm the most Indian man ever! I just thought I was so Indian, you know? We arrived in Bombay, I was like yelling at the flight attendant "Open the doors to this plane! Let me at my Indian people! Let me show those Indians what it's like to be Indian!" She opened up the doors to that plane, I turned Canadian so fast! I was like: "I am so... Did I step in shit just now?" When you arrive in India, the minute they open the doors to that plane, you get an overwhelming blast of shit smell right up your nose! It's almost like they hire someone to shit in front of every plane that lands! Quick, quick, here comes one. Shit, shit and go! Shit and go! Go! go! go! And if you're an Indian person out there, you're thinking to yourself, That's not true, that's not true. Then fuck you, you probably had a cold or landed in the wrong country! Because racially I'm an Indian man. Culturally, there are things that happen culturally, if you are not raised in that part of the world, you will find it unacceptable. Like in India, grown-ass-men... hold hands with other men. And walk down the street. Like everything's okay! And they don't just hold hands, they're holding fucking pinkies! And swinging that shit! And to them, there's nothing gay about it. Here's the thing. There's nothing gay to them, I'm holding my friends hand, what's gay about that? See, you grow up over here, there's no acceptable time for two straight men to ever touch hands. Ever! You ever walk through the mall with one of your guy friends and your hand accidentally bumps into him... "Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Get off me!" But in India, grown-ass-men hold... And the guys holding pinkies, the best shit about it is, they'll still try to mack on chicks. Hello, hello... Hello. You're looking very lovely today. Some guys act like thugs holding hands! They'll be holding pinkies and eye-balling you. Like they're trying to start some shit! I was at the beach in Bombay, right? I am hanging out, this gang of like, 16 dudes is walking across the beach, holding pinkies and giving everybody dirty looks. With their dress pants and flip-flops. How are you going to start a fight holding another mans hand? How? how? Let go, let go, let go!
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Russell Peters, 2008
Suggested by Pat
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