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Tattoos get removed, for free, on the NHS (National Health Service, UK). Okay? No no no no bloody no. Not while I'm in charge, okay? You put them on, you take them off, alright? The most the NHS should offer, in this regard, is a crossing out service. "Can you help me, I've got a name on my arm and we're not going out." Yeah, come here, [bzzz bzzz] "Ahhh!" I've never understood the tattoo appeal personally. I've never understood why you wanna hang around all Saturday morning in a part-time minicab office surrounded by dodgy surgical equipment while Alice Cooper stabs away at your hand and a German Shepherd licks the wound clean. Never liked that, even at school. When you're at school there's always kids there doing their own tattoos, home-made tattoos at the back of the class. They look good don't they? Home make tattoos. "Here you are Jack, we're all writing fuck on our hand, are you going to do it as well?" Do you know what, I don't think I will, thanks for asking. I might do it with a Biro, live with it for a day or two and then, if I want to go permanent you can then jab away at my arm with your compass and a bottle of ink, how would that be? I don't like it and they're very popular, flowers and little butterflies. And a Dolphin, yeah alright, they look alright but I draw the line at Chinese writing to be honest. Chinese writing, if you're not Chinese... why? "Do you like my Chinese? It's Chinese." I can see it is. What does it say? "It says, love and peace." How do you know? For all you know it could mean 'Choose one of the tattoo below'.
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Jack Dee
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