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Rows in my house always start with the same words. (Jack's wife) "You're in a funny mood." Followed by a noise that's a bit like Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That's the sound of my asshole closing up. Followed by a kind of bedoop bedoop bedoop noise which is the cat getting out the cat flap. He's thinking, I'm out of here, I've had enough of this. Too old and too wise the hang around for one of these. Yeah "You're in a funny mood." and I always try to get myself out of it I go: Ohh, do you think so? Heh, heh... Cause I can't row, I hate conflict, and I can never remember what to say next and I loose my thread and I can never come up with examples or anything like that in a row. If I was ever in court I'd have to have a woman defending me. Not even a barrister, just a woman. They've got a natural ability right in the pitch of a row they can come up with facts and figures, statistics. I put my feeble little case forward: I i i think we use the car equally... "Oh do we! Well I put it to you since we bought the vehicle, on the second of June 1992, here are the papers, could you please check them, are they correct?" ...What the fuck are you talking about... I'm gonna run out of the house when I come back she's got a wig on and a gown. She's still summing up, she's got her family round, they're the jury going "You! You! You!" I once had an argument and I said the thing that you shouldn't say, that one thing that men should never say and I said it and as long as I live I'll never say those words again but I was desperate and I said: Well what's the matter is it your... you know. "My what?" You know, that thing. "Say the word." Is it your period. "Ohh yes. And I am pissed off with YOU." There's no telling what you've done, you wont guess. You have to just come out and ask. What is it, what have I done, please tell me. "Remember when we had dinner at Johnny Rockers diner" What? That was three years ago. "Yes... I asked for the salt, and you didn't pass it."
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Jack Dee
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