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Here's another thing they say after a death. This is usually said to the surviving spouse. "Listen, if there's anything I can do, anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask". What are you going to do, a resurrection? This aint the fucking New Testament, you know. You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? "Well fine, why don't you come over this weekend. You can paint the garage. Bring your plunger. The upstairs toilet overflowed and there's shit all over the floor up there. Do you drive a tractor? Good. That'll come in handy. The north needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pick-axe. We're going to put your ass to work". He wants to help? Fuck him. Call his bluff. Call his bluff. Don't hesitate to ask. The nerve of these pricks. Here's another thing we say to the surviving spouse. "I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between my ass hurt in this chair and lets fuck the waitress? What are your priorities? We use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death, you know. People say things like "You know, I lost my father". Ah well, he'll turn up. You've got to stay optimistic with people like that. Give them reason to hope. "Have you checked the dumpster out back? He used to like to take a nap in there." Keep it upbeat.
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George Carlin, 2008
Suggested by Charlie
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