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I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and... in the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn. Well, it was... That picture would come up. And you go, This is cat porn. This is a picture of a cat. The pictures a picture of a cat. But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up. Would you like a software update? And you go, Yeah. Yeah, I'd like one of those. Its like a latte thing. Yeah, why not? And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. 5 minutes to download. 4 minutes to download. 3 minutes to download. 9 minutes to download. 2 minutes to download. 7 hours to download. 6 seconds to download. A light-year to download. And then it starts asking questions like, Will you sign a new agreement with iTunes? And I've signed many agreements with iTunes. I dont know what they want from me any more. Surely, they know I agree with them. I'm just... I'm there, you know? Why do they keep checking like I'm gonna go away? No, I no longer agree with you. We all agree. And they've made us liars. You cant say to children, Dont lie. Well, you said you've read the terms and conditions, didn't you? No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world. No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it wrote it like this. It could say anything in there. We will take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese. Yes. Set fire to your hedges. Why not? Put your knee in a sling. Yeah, gimme the... Cause you're in go fever at that point. Come on, give me the update. Cause it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete. You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the... Update, Yes. And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life. Whether they want to come or not. But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is, basically, getting ready to go to the seaside with your bucket and spade, the engine on, and your dad says, Come on, everyone out of the car. What? Where we going? Where we going? Where we going? Everyone back in the car. Back in the car? We just got out. (engine roaring) What the fuck was that? So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying.
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Eddie Izzard, 2009
Suggested by bigarse
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