Dane Cook - the Creepy Guy at Work

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Photo of Dane Cook There's always been that one creepy weird person some where in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you're little then you grow-up. Even now, at your job there's a freak. There's a weird guy at your job that makes you concernicus every time he's around. And the strange thing about it, it's the same guy at every single job you go to. Right? He's there, you quit, and you go to the new job, and you're like, "Ohh my god. Isn't that the guy from my old job? That's the guy! The scary guy!"

I can describe the guy. I can tell you right now. I can list all the features of this guy. First of all, he's not a fat guy. You would never say he's fat, but he is 'shapes'. He's like an amoeba. He's always a different consistency. He's like a lava lamp type of individual. He walks around very slow, he's got that perfect orb front ass right here. What is that?! It's perfect! It's like he's got a botanical garden and it grows potatoes on his taint. What is that? You wanna see it! But you don't. You wanna see it! But you're all set. Nobody talks to that guy. You don't talk to that guy. He's got the blue-blocker glasses on, you never see his eyes. He's got a pocket with the whole jubilee of pens comin' up out ta there in case he has to write A LOT.

And nobody talks to that guy. You're in the break room with a couple of your friends, right? And you see him come morphing in out ta your periph? Second he comes in... "Hey, do you guys wanna get the fuck gutta the break room? Do you guys wanna what do you guys wanna do? Let's go up on the roof and break dance let's just lets go behind the vending machine and somebody move the vending machine so I can go behind here move the vending machine, please. Please!" Nobody talks to him. But let me tell you something: Any job I ever had in my life I'd talk to that guy. I would take to him. I'd find him on purpose and I'd have little chit-chats with him, and I'd be very interested. I'd be like, "By the way, here's a Snickers. It's for you peanuts, caramel, put that in your mouth. Enjoy that." You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes when he snaps and he comes into work with a sawed-off shotgun, walking through the halls, and he finally gets to my office he's gonna be like, "Thanks for the candy." You laugh now, but you know Monday morning you're gonna be like, "Hey, Marcus. How was your weekend? What'd ya do? Here, I bought you some pens for your crazy pocket I know you love pens I happen to love pens, too. We should talk about pens someday. Just sit around, talk about pens, inks, pens, caps, I love 'em."