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Home / Dane Cook / Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 2

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Photo of Dane CookPhysically, I can show you when it's coming right now. This is the physical movement that's she's gonna give to you. You're saying "Dane, how do I know? How can I prepare myself?" Here's when it's gonna happen. During the argument there's gonna be a point where she's gonna stop and change her game up. The minute she starts agreeing with everything you're fucking saying. Look out! You are in trouble, Ok. And I'll show you physically what's gonna happen, you're gonna see her leg do this. The moment her legs locks like this you've just driven into fuckville. And she's the mayor! So she's locked. Haha, They're lovin' it right now, they're lovin' it! Now at this point she's going to start agreeing with everything you're saying; and that's bad. The moment you start to hear her say "You know what, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. And I don't even know. Why would I even know because you're the star of right and we're all just floating in the sea of wrong as you go by in your ship of right. Just please, tell me, throw me a life-line so I know. You're right. I don't even know if I'm right about this. I could be wrong about right now. But you know. Why don't you tell me if I'm right, right now." Right there. The minute she starts hitting you with that you better be prepared because there's a fucking torpedo in the water, and it's comin' to get cha! Ok, so physically, this is what she's gonna do. She's gonna lock the leg. And as she's done with her little "You're right, you're right" she's gonna do something with her hand, with her arm, and it's always different but it always involves touching her own face and doing some wind shield wiper movement. Ha ha. She's gonna variety it up. It's gonna be something like this. And look for this, that's bad. "Uhm, no, you go, you go ahead." Now, this is what she's gonna do. She's gonna pivot her body, she's gonna pivot, then she's gonna take 3 to 5 steps. 3 to 5! 3 to 5. She's gonna slow down, cock her head to the left. She's gonna say the comment. She's gonna say the comment and here's the thing. There will be no empathizes. It will be very subtle, almost a whisper. Why is that? To make you listen. And it's going to be a destroyer of worlds. It's something like this. She's gonna do the thing, she's gonna turn. "Well, you're stupid like your father." Ha ha. And at first, that means nothing! At first we laugh at it. You say it, you walk away. "Ha ha, what does that even mean?! Bye! Ha ha." We have no idea you just fucking ninjaed our brain. We're gonna be in the basement 40 minutes from then just pacing. And it's going to slowing start to seep in. We're pacing back and forth thinking about it. "Ha ha, stupid like your father, ha ha. my father's a brilliant man! You don't even know!" Explosion. Now we're starting to spiral down. And so it's at this point we need to fucking fight some more. So what do we do? We come looking for you. We come looking. And we can't even remember the layout of our own house. We're like "Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry. Where does..." When we finally find you you're always in the kitchen. You're in the kitchen and you're feeling victorious, sitting there eating some Oodles-of-Noodles. And here's the mistake we make as guys. On the way to the fucking kitchen we didn't come up with anything to say. We have no dialogue prepared. And that's the first mistake because when we get in there right away what do we default to. We swear a lot more, we get louder, and we point out the obvious. Right. We come in "Oh yeah, you're just gonna eat fucking noodles. Is that what you're gonna fucking do, just eat fucking noodles on your ass. You're just gonna sit there uhh. You're fucking, yeah. And eat fucking noodles, is that what you're gonna do? Eat the fucking noodles? Yeah. Well, who bought the fucking noodles? Who bought the fucking noodles? Just tell me who bought the noodles and I'll leave you alone! I did, that's right, I bought the fucking noodles! Enjoy my fucking noodles! That I fucking bought, every box, mine! I fucking bought them. Hey, you know what? I fucking love noodles and I've loved them my whole life! I loved them, you know why? You know why I loved them? Because when I was a little boy my dad used to buy me all the fucking noodles I wanted, he bought me all the noodles, if I said "Daddy, I want some noodles" he fucking bought them and you know why he bought them because he's a smart fucking guy. You don't even know! You don't even know!" That's the last thing we have to say before we leave. "You don't even know. You don't even-you don't even know. You don't even KNOW!
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