Dane Cook on Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 1

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Show quote | Sign In to save your setting (remove disclaimer). Photo of Dane Cook You gotta find that right person and it is brutal, it really is, if you're in a relationship and you're with somebody awful, I call that a relationshit. But it does happen. When you're with that person, you start arguing about nothing. Right? That's the thing, you start getting into the weirdest. You're trying to find things to argue over cause we can never just be adult, and look at each other and go :- "You know what, hey, come here. Umm, we're fucking over, aren't we? Alright you go that way, I'll go this way, it was good times." Na, instead you're just like :- "Let me just stick around for 5 or 6 more years and we can end this violently. Lets do that." Girl's you'll stay in a relationship with a guy you don't like and you'll make the weirdest excuses to stay. Your friends will even see it, your friends will be like :- "Lisa why don't you just go. Seriously. Lisa we're here cause we're concerned about you and he's a dickwad. We want you to just go." She'll be like "I can't just go, I can't just go Karen, it's not that easy. OK. Like you guys just thing I can go, it's not that simple, my CD's are in his trunk." So you start fighting, fighting over the weirdest things right? Just weird stuff "Honey! Why don't you put the DVD's in order?! So I can find Uncle Buck the second I wanna watch it. This shits all scrambled up cause you're a retard. Why don't you put things in order? In order. Now fight me for 3 days cause I'm bored." And you get into it man. You get into it, the battle has begun, when you're in that kind of fight, when you're in that kind of conflict. Men and woman, we want two different things. We have two different destinations during that fight. Girl's I'm gonna tell you what guy's want. This is our goal during the fight. We want to make you cry. Yes. Not a lot of crying, not that heavy weeping, cause that's obnoxious, knock that off. No just that little tear, that one you try to hide by going (wipes eye) "Why would you say that." The second we see that little glistening tear we're like "Yes. I win. Ah Ha. I'm the winner. Go call your mom and talk for 4 hours, I'm going to play Xbox. I win, ha ha." We got our headset on "Hey what's up guys? I just made my chick cry - where's the Gatling gun?" That's what we want. Instant gratification. If we can make you cry we feel like a winner. Now, let me tell you something. Let me tell you why women, why you win 99.9% of all fights. Yep, yep. And I'll tell you why right now. Here it is. Because you are mental terrorists. You are brain ninjas. And you know how to get in there with your Katana and just cut us and disappear into the night. I'm gonna tell you right now, this is how they do it guys, I'm gonna help you so you know when it's coming next time. And you know maybe how to stop this encounter from happening. This is what's gonna happen. You're in the fight, Ok, it's going back and forth, she's preparing to say a comment, Ok, she's gonna comment on tap that she's gonna say, and it's the tiniest, it’s just a tic-tack sized comment. But this is a fucking detonater. And she's gonna say it, and it's gonna go deep into your cerebellum, and it's gonna sit there and at some point, three days later, 30 days later, it's going to explode, rotting you from within, I'm telling you now. She's gonna say this comment, and here's when you know it's coming.
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