Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 2

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Photo of Brian Regan Nurse finally comes in "How are you doing tonight?" "I'm on a gurney. Do you have a pain killer or something? This is killing me." So she goes "How would you describe your pain?" "It's killing me. I don't know if you remember that part. Ouch." What, are we playing that pyramid game? "Umm. Excruciating. Horrific. Would rather have shards of glass in my eye. How do I convey this to you?" So she asks, "How would you rate your pain?" "4 stars. 2 enthusiastic thumbs up!" She goes, "How would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst?" Well, you know saying a low number isn't going to help you. "Oh, I'm a 2... Maybe the high 1's. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flintstone's vitamin and I'll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the 3's and 4's and such, if anyone's saying such ridiculous numbers." I couldn't bring myself 10 though, because I had heard that the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone cracked in half. I don't know if that's true, but, I thought, if it is, they have exclusive rights to 10. Now I'm thinking, "What was I worried about? Is there like a femur ward in the hospital. They would have heard about me and hobbled into my room." "Who the hell... Had the *audacity*... To say he was at a level 10?!? You know nothing about 10. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what 10 is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!" How could I possibly... I can't. So I thought, "I'll say 9. Then I thought, no, childbirth. I better not try to compete with that." And then I'm thinking, "You know what must be hell? Giving childbirth when your femur bone's cracked in half." So I said, "I guess I'm an 8." She goes, "OK, I'll be back." I'm like, "Aaw, I blew it. I ain't getting nothing with 8." But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, "The doctor told me to give you morphine immediately." So then I'm like, "morphine?? That's the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died... OK, I'm a 4... I'm a 0, I'm a -11." So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about 15 minutes later, just for the hell of it, I was like, "I'm an 8 again! Guess who's an 8?" When they finally check me out, I'm walking down the hall, I'm going say 8! Say 8! Say 8! Say 8! Happy 8 day! Did you get some 8? Did you get any 8?" What am I throwing? I can't throw a number... like Johnny Appleseed, "Did you get any 8 over there?" I don't understand my own visuals. I'm here throwing numbers around. I'm fine now, I think, I dunno.