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Home / Brian Regan / Hospitals - Part 1

Photo of Brian ReganI just recently had to go to the emergency room. I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It's weird I mean considering calling an ambulance for yourself. Y'know. You call an ambulance for other people right? What are you suppose to say about yourself? "Can you come get me? Yeah I don't feel so good. Just come on in and I'll be lying on the floor." Just looking at the phone going "I don't know how to do this." I don't know what to do and it was at night so I drove myself to the emergency room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "No... after you." "Merge. Everybody merge. I'm only imploding." I pull up at the entrance to the emergency room, no valet parking. If that's not the biggest oversight in our solar system. If there was ever a time when you want to go "Can you park this cause I need to collapse immediately." But no I'm circling around the parking lot. "Can I park there? I think I'm going to die." 'I'm dying too.' "OK, go ahead. I'll go up a couple of levels." I don't care if your driving yourself or someone else to the emergency room you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you suppose to drop somebody off and go park a car? "OK you go in! Tell them you're shot! Ask them if they validate." So I finally park and I go in to check-in. They ask the most insulting questions when you check-in to a hospital. 'What seems to be the problem?' "What seems?!? ...Well it seems... It seems like everything on my inside wants to be on my outside. But I'm no doctor." What kind of condescending question. So they check me in to my luxurious half-room. There's a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he's moaning over there. I'm thinking, man they're never going to help me with him moaning like that so I gotta out moan him y'know. Quit moaning, we're all hurting. The floor's like a haunted choir. It's gotta be hell to work in this environment.

Brian Regan

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