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A searchable archive of rare and well-known quotes from stand-up comedians. Any of your favorite quotes or comedians not listed? Share them by suggesting a quote.

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4 out of 5 George Carlin on Religion Explicit quote warning Related videos
In the bulls*** department, a business man can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Cause I gotta tell you thee truth folks, I gotta to tell you the truth, when it comes to bulls***. Big time, major league bulls***, you have to stand in awe... more

4 out of 5 Dane Cook on Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 1 Explicit quote warning Related videos
You gotta find that right person and it is brutal, it really is, if you're in a relationship and you're with somebody awful, I call that a relations***. But it does happen. When you're with that person, you start arguing about nothing.... more

4 out of 5 Dane Cook on Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 2 Explicit quote warning Related videos
Physically, I can show you when it's coming right now. This is the physical movement that's she's gonna give to you. You're saying "Dane, how do I know? How can I prepare myself?" Here's when it's gonna happen. During the argument... more

4 out of 5 Dane Cook on Grand Theft Auto Explicit quote warning Related videos
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating... more

4 out of 5 Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 1 Related videos
I just recently had to go to the emergency room. I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It's weird I mean considering calling an ambulance for yourself. Y'know. You call an ambulance for other people right?... more

5 out of 5 Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 2 Related videos
Nurse finally comes in "How are you doing tonight?" "I'm on a gurney. Do you have a pain killer or something? This is killing me." So she goes "How would you describe your pain?" "It's killing me. I don't know if you remember that part.... more

4 out of 5 Bill Hicks - How's your Job? Explicit quote warning Related videos
I started out in this club (The Comedy Store, LA) ten years ago. I want you to know I started out when I was 15 years old and it's kinda weird doing comedy when you're 15 and going up in front of strangers, I dont know these people and it's... more

4 out of 5 Stewart Lee on Australians Explicit quote warning
Australians are very proud of being from Australia. It's an interesting country, Australia. In Australia it's illegal not to vote. Australia has a compulsory democracy. Bizarrely, it's compulsory to vote in a country where the... more

4 out of 5 Bill Hicks on Girlfriends Explicit quote warning Related videos
My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the f***ing world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career...... more

4 out of 5 Stewart Lee on the BP Oil Crisis Explicit quote warning
People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all... more

5 out of 5 Stewart Lee on Ironik
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November,... more

4 out of 5 Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep Explicit quote warning
If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And... more

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